unknown...

today Syd had a play date with her buddy from brush college.  we were a little early so I told her we were going to drive around for a while.  we drove by her old school, we drove by one of the last houses we built and syd said "...I think we only have one more memory to think about" then we turned down the road where we were going to buy property and build a house.  within walking distance to brush college ... syd said "oh, another memory" ... with a sad voice.  she was voicing all the things I was thinking about.  the property is still for sale but we will never be able to buy it ... it's not an option anymore - that's really hard to deal with.   one of the hardest things to come to terms with is realizing your hopes and dreams may not come true.  and , it's so petty ... that's the other thing.  i know this...there are so many people who have to handle/deal with much bigger  - larger - enormous - things than not being able to buy a piece of property and build a house and walk you daughter to school. give me a break ... why is it so hard to let go.  why is it so hard to see the blessings in life ... we are so blessed ... why do I need to dwell on the negative.  it's hard because my whole life up to this point has had endless possibilities - now I can see the boundaries and that's really scary ... learning how to live within those boundries.  learning how to shine within those boundries - i don't know ... Lord, show me the way - guide me down this path - lead me to where you want me ... help me to see You ... show me ...   

day 24...crafting

love finding crafts online that syd and i can do together...

found this one and it turned out so cute!  it's suppose to be a porcupine pin cushion but we didn't have brown felt so it's a pink creature...must come up with a better name than that...

syd did part of the sewing until she got bored and then proceeded to make very annoying noises - who knows why...

                   old pin cushion                                  new pin cushion

purses...

day 16 - so at book club tonight, my friend pam gave me a purse!  is that awesome or what!  a couple months back i made comment about her purse.  well, when she's "done" with her purse (like she goes and buys another one) she gets rid of her old purse - she doesn't keep it - she gets rid of it...so she got rid of it to me!  that's so awesome...so i have a new purse...

being a mom...

day 15 - so it's my 19th year anniversary and i ended up making my own dinner...what's up with that...anyway, i made chicken fried stead with mashed potatoes.  this is one of the families favorite meals and ryan said "i'm so glad i have a mom that makes good meals".  now, even though i made my own dinner on my anniversary (sorry, i said that twice) - that comment from my son made it all worth it.  from not growing up with a mother at home, it makes me feel so good when i can actually do "mother" things for my kids - like making good dinners that they'll remember when they get older, or making pickles for them because they love them and i don't that much...that's what being a mom is all about and it makes it all worth it. 

chocolate dipped strawberries...

day 14 - syd and i melted chocolate and was only going to do strawberries but ended up with strawberries, pretzles and mini marshmellows...yum!  each boy (five of them) got one, gave two to nancy & pat and saved the rest for us. syd wanted to do the first one - she dipped and then immediately ate it...i guess she had the right idea!  my camera was in the car so no pictures...

my house...

day 13 - now over the past couple of years, i've wanted to get rid of my large house - too far out, too much land, too large in general but during robotics season, i really love it.  right now we are "robotics all the time" - as i write, we have various boys on the floor of the living room and ryan's room. randy is in syd's room because syd is in my room. i got up early to hopefully finish reading Genesis but found my living room invaded. love it (I'm going to kill my cat! is it possible to disengage a cat's meow? )  i had to make my coffee in the dark - grind my coffee beans in the train room (farthest room away from everyone) and guess how much water i was pouring in but it tastes just fine.

microwaves...

day 12 - love microwaves: one of the lovely robotic parents brought over two frozen lasagnas, bag of salad and a load of awesome bread.  the best part was that the lasagna's were microwavable.  now to me cooking in the microwave is yuck - the microwave is for popcorn, heating water for tea, defrosting chicken, you don't cook in it.  but that's me and i am feeding boys remember.  so plop them in, cook 10 minutes, look at it, cook another 7 minutes (i was actually suppose to cook 14 minutes on 50% but for some reason my microwave "tells" me "that option is not available now" - what's the deal with that - i've told people that and they look at me like "you just can't figure it out" which makes my nosterils flair because ... well, that's another post... so getting back to my lasagna...cook another 7 minutes (you know it actually takes about 30 minutes in the microwave to "cook" a frozer lasagna - i know that's know really a lot of time but i thought "it's microwavable - should be done in at the most 10 minutes. then you're suppose to let it sit for 5 minutes (wouldn't it be cold by then) - but it was perfect.  a little crisp around the edges but really good.  now this was a mostly cheese lasagna with a little bit of sausage on top so i think that's the key.  so thank you mr. (or ms.) microwave inventor, you came through tonight!

month of love cont...

day 7 - lemon bars...never been a fan before but today at the Super Bowl my friend Marci made the best lemon bars I've ever had...truely awesome!

day 8 - monday...there must be something to love about monday right?

day 9 - basketball practice...Syd is really enjoying her time in Upwards...she actually was excited for her game last Saturday...we struggle most of the time because we are so much a like - hard headed - by being her mom now i flash back to when i was her age and some of the things i put my dad through...wish he was here so i could tell him how much i appreciate him for putting up with this hard headed girl and loving her just as much as i love syd... I also love Dutch Bros - Starbucks is my steady but tonight Syd wanted a Dutch Bros. for her snack after practice.  so here's to Apple Smoothies :*

day 10 - yangs, new haircuts & crafts...had yang's for lunch today - yum!  then after work, syd and i both got new do's.  her's is a bob and looks totally adorable.  mine is an "A" line cut.  DH even said he liked it - i'm sure he was fibbing but at least he said it (he prefer's my hair long long long but I don't don't don't) - we looked pretty hot!  then when we got home, we needed to make 26 valentine cards.  we cut out butterflies and colored little dots on them then slipped a sucker through the two slots we cut and put a piece of tape to hold it in.  they were pretty cute. DH even got in on he action.  syd did an great job doing all the writing "happy valentines day"

day 11 - schezwan chicken - lunch with shannon at china faith...has to be the best chicken ever...

my entry's aren't going how i'd wanted - i don't want them to be laundry list of my days events...i'll keep working on it...

the month of love...

28 days of love (i know it's the 9th...oh well).  i don't want to post those typical answers like - family, God, chocolate - unless they are particularily special that day so that's why i'm skipping days 1 - 9 (unless I can think of something particually special about that day).  let's give it a try...

day 1: unexpected activities - ok, i'm already cheating a bit on this one because it actually happend on jan. 30th.  on the way home from signing Syd up for softball, we saw a group of geese in a field.  she asked if she could stop and see if she could sneek up on them.  at first i said "no, we'll get mud on our shoes" but then i reconsidered and i turned around.  we parked and started walking out into the field.  we didn't get very far when they all took off at the same time.  the sound was awesome and they were all 'talking' to each other.  Syd thought that was the best thing ever.  so did i.

day 5: air beds - enough said...

day 6: chili - i don't actually love chili but i love that i typically always have the stuff to make chili thus the ability to feed 6 extra kids for dinner...robotics

something amazing...

it's strange, i "check" my blog daily because i have link to another blog and i want to know what's happening with her.  "her" is Stephanie Nielsen from the nie nie dialogues.  she had surgery in january to grow skin graphs for what i'm assuming will be used on other parts of her body due to her extensive burns.  i read them because she's so honest ... well, i'm sure she's not completely honest with what she's feeling because really how could you be?  what she's going is absolutely horrible but she asks for prayers and give me insite to her life...voyerism at it's best.  but, i guess i read because in doing so i get to be a part of something great...something absolutely amazing...if i knew Stephanie (i mean really knew her), i would bet she would not think of herself as amazing and that's amazing in itself.  but to say she's an inspiration is clique` and would really cheapen (i know that's not a word...) the experience.  do you ever want to part of something amazing?

update...

so my last posting was about my goals for this year.  here's a little update on how I'm doing (I can't remember the order so I'm going off memory):
1) exercise: been doing pretty good at that.  I haven't been getting up at 5:00 yet but I'm close.  I've been walking on the treadmill (took a little time off because I wasn't feeling good but I'm back).  Today was my first day of couch to 5K - realized I don't particularily like running but we'll see how it goes.  Not ready to set another goal of running a 5K but we'll see. A little shaky on the committment part but I am committed to exercising.

2) as I said above, I haven't been getting up at 5:00 and I have been choosing to exercise instead of reading my Bible (I know, my order of importance is backwards).  I'm still struggling with what to study.  My buddy has been wanting to do Daily Bread.  I looked it up tonight and I don't think that will work for me.  I want the magicial Bible study to show up out of no where.  I don't know what it's suppose to look like but I want it to be perfect.  See - this is why I'm failing at this goal.  I'll keep working on it....

3) the kids school activities and stuff - doing better - work in progress.  really nothing to note about this one.  Regarding the kids, he told me tonight that his friends at schools all have lowe GPA's than him (which is a 3.5).  Now, his friends are all geeks like Ryan and really smart kids.  There's no way that they shouldn't all be getting A's like we stress to Ryan that he should get.  he just thinks / knows that they don't really care. he say's that if he didn't have us as parents, he would probably do the same thing.  he said that he wouldn't mind hanging out with kids that apply themselves but those kids are pretty much dorks and have no personality (good one!).  I said that what's important is that he realizes his friends shortcomings and as long as he doesn't idolize them and want to be like them, it's probably OK.  He's a pretty good kid and I learn from him every day.  he's upset with us right now though because we wouldn't let him get his laptop tonight - he's been saving up since Christmas (yeah, a long time ago) but part of the money is in bonds and we wouldn't let him buy the laptop tonight because he needs to turn the bonds into the bank.  We're so far below his intellegence level but we're still his parents.  he gets so frustrated with us...it's fun...

4) getting "healthy" - I actually made an appointment today with a counselor. we'll have to see how that goes.

So, I think I'm doing pretty good.  I've thought a couple more to add to the list but that will have to wait for another day.

that time again...

ok. i'll give in - here's my goals for 2010 (notice I said - goals - and not resolutions - goals to me are more powerful)...now before i actually write them down, here's my trouble with this sort of thing,  i don't normally do this ... meaning actually writing down my plans/goals.  i'm the type to decide to do something in my own mind but don't really like to tell others.  i guess, if i end up not doing that certain thing i've decided to do, then it's only me who knows.  if I actually say it out loud, that means it has more weight - maybe that's why all the experts say to write your goals down and I read something the other day that said you're suppose to TELL someone - scary...so even though I have very few people (OK, one other person than myself) who read my postings, i'm still writing them down and in a sense telling someone and that makes my goals a lot more concrete. 

so here ya go (there's not many):
1) getting up during the week at 5:00.  this is a must because it allows me to pursue my next two goals...

2) be consistantly studying The Word.  this means at least five days a week, reading a passage from the Bible.  now this may seem very vague (ok, it is) but it's just a start while i figure out how to actually do that.  my struggle lately has been figuring out what to actually study. so that's the "b)" part of this goal - find a study or something.

3) exercise at least five days a week with the ultimate goal of weighing 140.  my current weight is 154 so that's 14lbs.  

4) determine how to stay home with my family more - this could be a lot of things - work part-time, work from home, work in the school system - something that doesn't take me away from the family 40+ hours a week.  something that will allow me to be home when syd gets home.  something that will allow me to be home with them during spring break, summers, Christmas break.  the project at Western will be finished in September of this year and as of right now, there are no other jobs lined up after that.  this could mean i will be in the main office a couple days a week or they may let me work part time while Chemeketa finishes.  i really don't know.  right now, financially we couldn't make it work if i only worked part time.  so....

5) be more organized with my families activities: think through what is happening, what needs to happen or what's coming up - what does ryan & sydney need to get done for homework, what's happening this week, next week, etc., birthday is coming up, plan a scrap weekend with the girls, make dinner plans with friends...be more intentional!!!!

6) and the big one is - to be come healthier.  i've already addressed the exercise thing so that's not what i mean.  life hasn't been very enjoyable lately.  i have a lot of thoughts floating around in my head and a lot of them aren't good.  i've learned some things about someone over the past two years and i am struggling with how to process that.  i can't do it on my own and i know i need God's guidance (hence goal #2) but i also need to talk with someone who will help me process what i'm discovering. i want to be better - i want to enjoy the gifts that i've been given to their fullest extent and i feel as though i can't do that right now.  i hate to use the word depressed but that's the only tag line i can give it.  when you think you learn who someone REALLY is and it's such an eye opener, can you ever go back?  are you just inventing something that's really not there or has it been there all along and you just didn't want to see it.   sorry, sort of rambling - so basically, i need to see a counselor. 

well, goodness gracious, that's a lot of things.   as Yoda would say, "there is no try, there is only do" - was i close...